Me First ... well, sort of...

Self compassion isn't selfish ...

For the next few weeks, I’ll be dropping posts based on meditation topics that I’ve covered with my groups at the Y over the past couple years. We’ll start with self compassion.

Let’s talk a little bit about self-compassion.

Now, before your eyes glaze over and you think, "Oh, here we go, another touchy-feely self-help concept," hear me out. Because this isn't about navel-gazing or giving yourself a free pass on everything .. or really, anything. It's something far more practical, far more grounded, and actually rather essential for us folks who’ve seen a few decades come and go.

I remember when I first heard the term "self-compassion," it conjured up images of scented candles and whispered affirmations. And while there's nothing wrong with a good candle or a positive thought, it just didn't resonate with the kind of life I'd lived or was currently living – a life that often felt like a marathon, not a leisurely stroll through a lavender field. My generation and really those a decade on either side of me, many of us anyway, were raised with a sturdy dose of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" and "there's no 'I' in team." We learned to be tough, to be resilient, to brush things off and keep moving. And those are admirable qualities, no doubt about it. We built things, we raised families, we navigated tricky waters, and we did it often with a stiff upper lip and a quiet determination.

But what I’m sure many of us are starting to realize, as the years have stacked up like well-loved books on a shelf, is that all that toughness, all that resilience, it can sometimes come at a cost. We can be incredibly kind and understanding to others, offering a sympathetic ear, a helping hand, a forgiving word. But when it comes to ourselves? Well, that’s often a different story. We can be our own harshest critics, dissecting every mistake, reliving every misstep, holding ourselves to an impossible standard that we wouldn't dream of imposing on anyone else.

Think about it. If a dear friend came to you, feeling low because they’d messed up at work, or said something they regretted, or just felt overwhelmed by life, what would you say? You’d probably offer comfort, reassurance. You’d remind them of their strengths, their good intentions. You’d probably say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes. You're doing the best you can." Right?

Now, consider what you say to yourself when you’re in that very same boat. Is it as gentle? As understanding? Or is it more along the lines of, "What were you thinking? You should have known better! Why are you always so… (fill in the blank with your favorite self-criticism)?"

That, my friends, is where self-compassion comes in. It's not about being weak or letting yourself off the hook. It's about treating yourself with the same kindness, the same understanding, the same gentle encouragement that you would offer to a beloved friend. It's about recognizing that being human means being imperfect. It means making mistakes. It means experiencing pain, disappointment, and sometimes, plain old failure. And in those moments, instead of piling on the self-blame, we can choose a different path.

One of the pioneers in this field, Kristin Neff, talks about self-compassion having three core components. (if you haven’t read her book “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself”, grab it, and maybe the workbook too … great stuff!) The first is self-kindness versus self-judgment. This is simply about being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with criticism. It's about acknowledging our suffering with tenderness, just as we would acknowledge the suffering of someone we care about.

The second component is common humanity versus isolation.⁴ This is a big one, especially as we get older. We often feel like our struggles are unique, that we're the only ones who feel a certain way or have made a particular mistake. But the truth is, suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience. Everyone, absolutely everyone, experiences setbacks, failures, and feelings of inadequacy.⁵ When we remember this, it helps us feel less alone and more connected to others. It reminds us that "this too is part of being human."

And finally, there's mindfulness versus over-identification. This means observing our thoughts and feelings without getting swept away by them. It's about acknowledging that we're feeling something difficult – sadness, anger, fear – without getting lost in that emotion. It’s like watching clouds pass in the sky; you see them, you acknowledge them, but you don't jump on one and ride it into the storm. You notice your painful thoughts and emotions, but you don’t let them define you or spiral into a torrent of negativity.

So, how do we cultivate this self-compassion in our daily lives? It's not about grand gestures. It's in the small, quiet moments. It’s taking a pause when you feel that familiar sting of self-criticism rising up. It's acknowledging, "Ouch, that hurts." And then, perhaps, asking yourself, "What would I say to a friend right now?"

Maybe it's as simple as putting your hand over your heart when you're feeling overwhelmed, a physical gesture of comfort. Or whispering a kind phrase to yourself, like "May I be kind to myself in this moment," or "This is hard right now, and that's okay." It might feel a little strange at first, like trying on a new pair of shoes that don't quite feel like "you." But like anything new, with a little practice, it starts to feel more natural, more comfortable.

For those of us in our “third third”, we’ve accumulated a lifetime of experiences, a wealth of wisdom, and yes, probably a few battle scars and regrets. We’ve learned that life isn't always fair, and that perfection is an illusion. Maybe now, more than ever, is the time to extend that hard-won understanding not just outward, but inward. To treat ourselves with the same grace and acceptance we so readily offer to those we love.

Because here’s the thing: self-compassion isn't selfish. It's foundational. When we are kind to ourselves, when we acknowledge our own struggles with tenderness, we actually become more resilient. We recover faster from setbacks. We have more emotional reserves to give to others. And perhaps most importantly, we create a more peaceful, more loving inner landscape, which, after all these years, feels like a pretty good place to call home.

So, let's try it, shall we? Let's give ourselves a break. Let's offer ourselves a little bit of that deep, steady kindness we’ve been reserving for everyone else. You deserve it. We all do.